Words are powerful. They can open up connection, shut someone down, build trust, or create distance-all in a single sentence. One small shift that can make a big difference in how we communicate is the way we use the words “and “ and “but.”
You might not think much about these tiny connectors in everyday speech, but they hold weight-especially in emotional conversations. In therapy, and in life, using “and” instead of “but” is a subtle, yet powerful way to validate someone else’s experience while still your own thoughts or feelings.
The Trouble With “BUT”
Let’s look at ana example:
“I know you’re upset, but I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
What’s the takeaway here? Even though the sentence starts with acknowledgement, the word “but” often cancels out everything that came before it. It unintentionally says, “ Yourfeelings are valid…sort of.” But here’s why they shouldn’t be.” Fow someone already feeling vulnerable, “but” can feel like a wall going up.
The Power of “AND”
Now try this:
“I know you’re upset, and I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Feel the difference? “And” makes room for both truths to exist at the same time. It communicates: “Your feelings matter, and here’s where I am coming from too.” It creates space instead of shutting it down.
Why this Matters:
In emotionally charged moments-especially with partners, friends, or family-validation is everything. People don’t always need agreement; they need to feel seen and heard. “And” helps us do that. It holds space for two perspectives to coexist. It says, “I can understand your hurt, and I can share my intentions.” And that is connection.
This is especially important in therapy work, where emotional safety is built on an experience of being accepted and understood. It is just as important in daily life-with your teen, your partner, your colleague, even with yourself!
Start Noticing your “Buts”
Next time you’re in a tough conversation, pause and notice, are you about to say “but”? Try replacing it with “and”. Notice how it feels. Notice how the other person responds.
This isn’t about being perfect with your words. It’s about practicing awareness, curiosity, and compassion. Small changes in language can create big shifts in relationships.
A Final Thought
Your words have power. They can create bridges or build wall. “And” is a bridge- a simple word that lets us hold multiple truths, validate emotions, and communicate empathy. It seems small AND it’s a tool that can help us stay connected even when things get hard!